Wednesday, February 1, 2012


day 32

Contrary to my lack of effort in this project for this week, I have been happy every single day. There are still brief moments of sadness, but I just have to remind myself that I am not the person I think people think I am. I'm not weird or ugly or strange. I'm perfect just the way I am. And if people don't want to be friends with who I am, they are missing out on a possibly deep relationship. What they think of me is not my problem. What I think they think of me, however, is.

I know not many people read my blog, but if you ever struggle with depression or making friends or self-worth or anything, know that you are not weird.

I have learned that a friendship requires commitment from both sides. The other person has to commit to making it work. And if they don't want to try, kick them to the curb. You can still be acquaintances and even hang out together, but there is no point in you putting effort into something that the other person doesn't care about. But then you also have to commit. That always means stepping out of your comfort zone and opening up. It's one of the hardest things in the world to talk to people about things that are hidden in your heart, good and bad. But a friendship with no trust is no friendship at all.

As for me, whenever I see people that I used to hang out with hanging out with other people--those are my moments of sadness. Because I know I wanted to have deep friendships, but that wasn't what they were looking for, I felt left in the dust while they found new friends. And it absolutely stinks. I hope this doesn't come across as bitter, though I believe there is bitterness in my heart that needs to be thrown away, but it seems as though people don't care about other people anymore (me included ...) I don't know if anyone really knows anything about me ... there are still some girls in my class that I've never once talked to (or that never once talked to me). Whenever I see someone hurting, I usually don't respond because I am unsure of what to do and I'm shy. That's such a lame excuse. But I wonder if people see others hurting. On another note, I hate it when people you used to be friends with tell you that they're so glad you're in their life and that they love you and that you two will always have a special bond. Because that is an absolute lie and I'm not fooled for one moment ...

As you can see I still have a lot of work to do on my heart. So this has definitely turned into a venting post. Haha sorry about that. But even though this all sounds so hateful of me to say, I'm not saying I hate these people. I'm just saying that it makes me really sad they found other friends and don't even talk to me anymore. (And then pretend that we will "always have that special bond." No. If someone has the guts to tell me that, then they should also have the guts to actually be my friend ...)

But I suppose this is all part of aging, of growing up. In a few months I won't have to be in a place where few people care (now granted, there are a ton of awesome people here and I am very blessed to be at a place like this and I hate it so much when people complain about this place).

This is a major reason why I'm excited for college. And summer. Especially summer because one of my best friends is coming up to visit me!

Aaaaanyways ... I didn't mean to turn this into a super long post. But that's what happens when you're Lauren. I hope this didn't put you in a sad mood. Because I've learned that there is no good reason to be sad. There is beauty and happiness and pure joy in everything. And I wouldn't trade the friends that I do have for anything. They make me smile and laugh so much and have made senior year the best year ever. We're even talking about having skype dates when we all go off to college, and I hope we actually do it.

So smile. Think about all the blessings in your life. Forget about those who forget about you. And surround yourself with people who will bring you up.

And if you ever need to talk, don't be afraid to contact me. I have found some awesome friends through the internet.

Have a great day everyone. :)

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