Friday, January 20, 2012

years gone by

It's just a couple minutes after midnight. I stayed up not only to finish cleaning my room, but also to open a very special letter. Years ago I wrote a letter to myself to open when I turned eighteen. I recently found the letter again and have kept it safe to open.

I just read it a few moments ago. My face is still wet from tears. Here's the letter I wrote to myself:

Dear future me,
I'm writing this at 11:11 pm on Friday the 4th of Sept. 2008. So I guess I'm writing this on a whim. But really I want to make sure that you recall some things that are and have happened to me recently. I hope that you remember that God has promised you that you'll be a musician. Maybe you are. :) Let's just hope you're better than me right now. I'm just getting back into practicing my piano (since school has started--FRESHMAN!). It's nearing almost a year since I got my guitar for Christmas, and I'm almost no better than I was when I first got it. I sure hope you're more disciplined than I am. And now about Jordan Crosslin. She's my best friend, don't-cha-no! She'd better still be your best friend. And we can't forget your and my husband, Mr. Jesus Christ. Your relationship with Him had better be growing every day, or else I'm gonna come and strangle you! :)
How about writing books? Any published yet? They'd better be! :)
But seriously ...
I guess since you're 18, you've forgotten about stuff that I like, so I'll put the importants:
Fave color: Green
Fave baby names: Girls: Sophia, Waverly
boys: Corey, Rider
And also adopting.
Haha that's almost all I want you to remember. That, and all the songs that I've written, but I'm sure you have. Keep leaning on God alone!

~Lauren Parker <3 Psalm 119:49-50

Here are my observations.
First of all, it's funny how my handwriting is virtually the same. I can still hear my particular writing style. Thankfully though I'm better at spelling the word "sincerely". I wrote this back when I was in my singer/songwriter phase and I was convinced God wanted me to be a musician. As I've grown, I have learned that I can make beautiful music through words and through art, and that is exactly where I want to be, and that's where God wants me to be. I do however still have the guitar I got for Christmas and all the music I sang, and I still pluck at my piano strings every day, even if I only play the same four songs over and over again.

Secondly, and this part was where I started crying, the mention of my best friend. I don't think a day goes by where I don't miss her ... I think my fourteen year old self would be very sad, not only because she and I don't talk anymore, but also because I don't have a girl best friend. I know sometimes I'm sad about that.

As to my relationship with God, it's so minuscule in comparison to what it was when I was a freshman. But today, actually, I had a revelation in physics class as to how to go about fixing it, because I have been struggling for a while to regain that closeness with God that I once had. And that is to pray continually. I used to pray all the time--just talk to God in my head. It made Him real in every moment of my life instead of just on Sundays and Wednesdays. But now I don't do that. And I miss it. And today I had that revelation that I really have to put effort into the relationship if I want to make it work. So we're going to work.

Though I haven't published any books like my fourteen year old self wanted, I think she would be quite proud. I'm always nervous to write my accomplishments on the internet because I'm afraid of coming across as prideful, but I'm going to do it anyways. This is in reply to my freshman self. I have two stories published in two different books. I'm currently writing a novel. I know editors and writers and publishers. On Saturday I find out if I'm participating in the National Scholastic Writing Competition. I'm going to compete for an English scholarship for college. And my freshman self didn't even know of the world of photography. I think I've done pretty good. And I am proud of my accomplishments.

I find it interesting that my favorite color is still the same and my favorite baby names are still the same. I really haven't changed that much in (nearly) four years, but at the same time I've changed immensely. I'm still the same Lauren, but I've grown a lot. And even though today there are things I want to change about myself and (dare I say it) my circumstances, I am happy with where I am. But that's not to say that I'm not going to strive to be even better. I'm not quite sure my fourteen year old self would be proud of me, at least not all of me. But such is life.

Well it is way passed my bed time. Time to read the Bible and sleep. And maybe I can make all of me proud. Here's to another year. To my eighteen year old self.

First day of seventh grade:


1 comment:

  1. I so enjoyed reading this post. What a unique idea, to write a letter to yourself at 14 for when you are 18. Great way to see what was important then, and how it shifts and stays the same. The thread throughout that most touched my heart was your walk with God. I'm definitely resonating with that desire to regain closeness, intimacy with God is the only satisfying thing, and yet it's so easy to get distracted by other things! thanks for the beautiful reminder! xoxo!