from my diary, July 30, 2011:
I used to wonder.
I used to wonder what it would feel like to not exist.
I used to wonder what would happen if I just ceased to exist. Not really die, exactly, but just … disappear. Would I float? Swim? Blink until the tears came? Stare at light? Darkness? Would the people I left behind notice? Would they care? Or would it be as though I was never even a memory? Funny how once people move out of your life—or you move out of theirs—it’s as if you cease to exist. They forget about you. Everything you went through together. All the tears and laughter and memories. They all seem as though they never happened. That you never were a part of their life. But you have to stand on the edge of that light, floating, sinking, watching them live on without you, watching them find new friends, new family, while you yell and scream and cry for their attention, but all you receive is an ignoring glance. And they look at you as if they don’t even know your name.
I used to wonder.
I used to wonder how hard it would be to not exist.
Would I really not want to exist? Would that really be what I wanted? How easy it would be …
But now I know that I could never want that. No matter how hard things get, I could never ever want that. Life is far too beautiful to not be able to exist in it. And it’s also funny, because the people who previously never existed, with no warning, come into your existence. And suddenly it’s like that bright light, but beautiful. It feels like you’re floating. And the people who never existed before become so real and so near and dear to your heart that it feels like it would stop beating if they ever disappeared. You never want to leave. You never will. Not for anything in the world. And you pray to God that they never wish that they didn’t exist, because without them you wouldn’t be a whole person … and that would be worse than not existing.
I used to wonder.
I used to wonder what it would feel like.
I used to wonder what if would feel like to love. And to be loved. And to know that no matter what happens, good or bad, no matter what life throws, no matter the mistakes or hardships, no matter the moments of joy or tears, that no one will leave. No one will forget about you. No one will push you out of their life. No one will call you your friend and then find someone else. Someone better.
I don’t wonder anymore.
Mine’s a beautiful existence with you in it.
And that’s all I want.
It's nice to see that I've improved at least a little bit since taking this photo. I'm always so nostalgic when I look back through my first 365, because there was nothing stopping me. I didn't let anything get in my way and this time around I've let a lot of things get in my way. But before I took this photo I thought to myself, "I need to start with the thought that I'm going to create something awesome instead of mope around thinking I'm not going to take a very good picture today." I've been thinking a lot about emotions and how they affect us and how we can control them, and I've decided to control my emotions and use that power to create happiness for myself and the world around me. That makes things much better anyways. I am very happy right now. I have been happy for a long time. College has been a very good thing for me and it's changed me for the better, and coming back home has caused me to realize that. I'm not the same person I was a year ago or a few months ago; I am much happier. And I plan to keep it that way. I'm going to fight for my happiness.
(For my own documentation purposes: today I got to hang out with Dayl and Kylie at coffee and I love them so much.)