21;

Today is my twenty first birthday and I don't have much to say. Twenty was the first year not being a teenager, and even though twenty one is supposed to be a huge marker, I don't think the change has been as significant as twenty was.

I'm not sure where I'm going, not sure of anything, and a bit unsure if I'll ever know. For now I'm just trekking by, thinking a lot, making art, thinking of what I might want to spend my life doing, what would make me feel most fulfilled. Usually I have these accompanying paragraphs written out days or weeks in advance, but I didn't really know what to say to reflect on this day. I do know that my twentieth year was a very wonderful one, and I'm worried that twenty one will be filled with the adult things that I've been dreading.

I just don't want to make the wrong decisions and mess up my life. At the same time though, I should stop taking things so seriously.

Regardless, today I am happy.

Turning twenty // Turing nineteen // Turning eighteen // Turning seventeen

my twentieth

My twentieth birthday was on January twentieth, so I knew it would be absolutely perfect. The entire United States also decided to celebrate, so we all got a day off of school to partake in birthday festivities. I have decided that the best kind of birthday is the one where I'm surrounded by my favorite people and we are all adventuring together. Last year my friends took me to a chocolate festival where we ate our body weight in pure delicious, so I wasn't sure how we were going to top it this year. But we found ourselves on the beach, on a particularly warm day, with the sun shining down.





For my own documentation purposes, we rode on a merry-go-round, explored the many shops in town, ate so much candy and so much food, and explored the beach. I am just so in love with the ocean and being able to be near it for a milestone day was a wonderful gift. That, and being with my best friends made it more than what I could have hoped for. For a moment, everything was right with the world.

on the fictional; // today is my birthday

On the fictional;

We change who we are for different people, and as the separative self emerges, the chasm between who we truly are and our societal self becomes a river. Every drop of water has the kinetic energy to change our lives. Or this is our desire to please everyone. It stretches the self thin and shallow, but wide enough to cover those who don't care whether they are warmed by our blankets or not. When will the edges begin to fray?

On the reality; #1

People hide emotions. You never know what demon is haunting a stranger you brush shoulders with. One escaped word is a drop of water to change a life, either to create a chasm or fill a hole.

On the reality; #2

Years pile upon one another in a disorganized mess, but it is in cleaning up that we see each little drop of water shaped us. What could have been different? How might have life been life if? No matter. We control the effects of the water. Baptize us and make us better people.



Today is my twentieth birthday. I have taken photos for my birthday for the past several years, and it's a simple way to see not just how much I've grown physically, but photographically, technically, and so on and so forth.

On turning seventeen, I was in the height of exploring myself. I cut all my hair off, listened to weird music, and took even weirder photos. I was struggling to know myself, experimenting with art, and learning about everything I could.

On turning eighteen, I didn't know what I was doing, didn't know the direction I was going to go, and was scared of the future. I was dreaming of new opportunities and new adventures.

On turning nineteen, I was on the verge of those dreams, excited and confident in who I was, feeling like I had finally found my place in the world. I was seeking and growing and stretching myself like I never had before.

And on turning twenty? I find myself in a place of contentment, but also a place at the base of a mountain, gearing up to trek to the top. Twenty is a strange concept to me. Now I am no longer a teenager, and when I was younger, this was the moment I was supposed to have my life together. But I am still just as fragmented as ever, only now I realize it's okay. I don't even have to spend my life trying to put those pieces together, because maybe instead I'm meant to give them away.


But now we are going to switch gears a little bit, because an unspoken resolution for this year was for me to show you guys more behind-the-scenes and tutorial type things for every one of my personal photos.



These two photos are straight out of the camera, aside from a little bit of RAW processing. Though it appears like I shot in a fancy studio with fancy lighting, I actually shot this simply in a dark room with my laptop as the only light source. My laptop is fairly lightweight, so it's easy to move around and hold up for a photo. Alternatively you could use a cell phone light. It's a simple solution to the never ending problem of adequate lighting.

Other than that, I blended together the faces in photoshop, added the drops using a combination of the smudge tool, the paintbrush, and lots of curve adjustments. Then it was just a matter of adding the perfect amount of contrast to make the message come through.

Mouseover to see the before and after:

birthday wishlist

1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9.10.11.12

Also this shirt, one calendar for school, one for blogging/goals, one journal for diary, one for dreams, and a moo gift card.

Now that the holidays are finally over, it's time to focus on birthdays in the Parker family. My dad's, brother's, and my birthdays are all within the span of eight days, so it's nothing short of a celebration at our house. Of course, I head back to college before my birthday, so the party party party time will have to be a little premature, but I'm still really excited about it! My dad had me put together a wishlist of things I want, so I browsed around and found things that I claim I can't live without. But really I am content with where I am in life and this is just stuff (not saying that I don't want to get stuff for my birthday though, parents! Wink wink.) I'm just really thankful I've had an awesome break with my family and boyfriend and that in a week I get to go back to an awesome school with some of the most amazing people I've ever met.

eighteen years and counting

dress from urban outfitters // tights from romwe // shoes from payless




Yesterday was my eighteenth birthday! I had a little get together with my friends and we had a lot of fun. I was sad some people had to cancel though. They missed out.



One thing I don't really like about birthdays are the birthday messages on facebook. Some are from people that actually care about me, but most are from people who don't care whatsoever. Maybe I'm just a cynical person, but getting a "happy birthday" from someone who never talks to me isn't my cup of tea. Thankfully I know exactly who my real friends are, and I wouldn't trade them for the world. They are seriously the best.