Wednesday, December 19, 2012

floating/sinking/floating

floating/sinking/floating

day 353

from my diary, July 30, 2011:
I
I
I used
I used to wonder.
I used to wonder what it would feel like to not exist.
I used to wonder what would happen if I just ceased to exist. Not really die, exactly, but just … disappear. Would I float? Swim? Blink until the tears came? Stare at light? Darkness? Would the people I left behind notice? Would they care? Or would it be as though I was never even a memory? Funny how once people move out of your life—or you move out of theirs—it’s as if you cease to exist. They forget about you. Everything you went through together. All the tears and laughter and memories. They all seem as though they never happened. That you never were a part of their life. But you have to stand on the edge of that light, floating, sinking, watching them live on without you, watching them find new friends, new family, while you yell and scream and cry for their attention, but all you receive is an ignoring glance. And they look at you as if they don’t even know your name.
I used
I used to wonder.
I used to wonder how hard it would be to not exist.
Would I really not want to exist? Would that really be what I wanted? How easy it would be …
But now.
But now I know that I could never want that. No matter how hard things get, I could never ever want that. Life is far too beautiful to not be able to exist in it. And it’s also funny, because the people who previously never existed, with no warning, come into your existence. And suddenly it’s like that bright light, but beautiful. It feels like you’re floating. And the people who never existed before become so real and so near and dear to your heart that it feels like it would stop beating if they ever disappeared. You never want to leave. You never will. Not for anything in the world. And you pray to God that they never wish that they didn’t exist, because without them you wouldn’t be a whole person … and that would be worse than not existing.
I
I
I used to wonder.
I used to wonder what it would feel like.
I used to wonder what if would feel like to love. And to be loved. And to know that no matter what happens, good or bad, no matter what life throws, no matter the mistakes or hardships, no matter the moments of joy or tears, that no one will leave. No one will forget about you. No one will push you out of their life. No one will call you your friend and then find someone else. Someone better.

I don’t wonder anymore.
Mine’s a beautiful existence with you in it.
And that’s all I want.


It's nice to see that I've improved at least a little bit since taking this photo. I'm always so nostalgic when I look back through my first 365, because there was nothing stopping me. I didn't let anything get in my way and this time around I've let a lot of things get in my way. But before I took this photo I thought to myself, "I need to start with the thought that I'm going to create something awesome instead of mope around thinking I'm not going to take a very good picture today." I've been thinking a lot about emotions and how they affect us and how we can control them, and I've decided to control my emotions and use that power to create happiness for myself and the world around me. That makes things much better anyways. I am very happy right now. I have been happy for a long time. College has been a very good thing for me and it's changed me for the better, and coming back home has caused me to realize that. I'm not the same person I was a year ago or a few months ago; I am much happier. And I plan to keep it that way. I'm going to fight for my happiness.

(For my own documentation purposes: today I got to hang out with Dayl and Kylie at coffee and I love them so much.)



Tuesday, December 18, 2012

a midnight cry

a midnight cry

day 352

This photo is inspired by a series of music videos, this one being the first in the series. I love M83 and their videos are always stunning.

a before and after as well as a close up will be up on my facebook page momentarily!

Today I finally got to hang out with my two favorite guys (oh how I missed them so much), and then in a couple minutes I'll be off to play some video games with my family!


baby, it's cold outside



sweater/skirt: thrifted // tights: walmart // collared shirt: Matt // boots/belt: target



Oh. My. Gosh. All I can say is I had forgotten how horrible it is to take outfit photos in Alaska in the dead of winter. I think I stood outside for a total of about two minutes before my fingers hurt so bad from all the blood rushing out of them to protect my vital organs. I will definitely have to get better at posing with my life literally on the line every time I step foot outside. Okay, I may be exaggerating a little bit, but it is really cold and I'm still getting used to photographing in the strange all-day sunrise/set thing this place has going on.




I'm not going to let the cold or anything else stop me though. I had been pretty nervous about coming back to Alaska because this place holds some not so great memories and not so great feelings, but I've decided to make this month super awesome. I'm going to be happy and have fun and hang out with friends as much as possible and be with my family as much as possible and smile a lot. That's my plan and I'm sticking with it.

I've already gotten to go back to my high school and say hi to all the awesome people that attend there. Initially, I didn't want to go whatsoever because, like I said before, it held some not so great memories, but I knew the people that were in those memories wouldn't be there so I forced myself out of bed and I'm so glad I did. It was so wonderful seeing my favorite people and getting lots of hugs. :3 It was almost like I was in a dream because high school seems like something that happened a lifetime ago, and it was weird having all those lovely faces in the present again. And hopefully I get to see them more in the future!




(Haha look at my cute cold red nose!)

I hope you guys have a really happy and wonderful day!


Sunday, December 16, 2012

no, no, no, no, no



day 349

oh whoops yet another hair flip with a crazy crop photo ... come on, Lauren ...

an old guy smoking a cigarette and contemplating life watched me take this.

Also today I got to see the Hobbit. You should drop what you're doing right now and go see it.