(the moment I knew what I wanted to do with my life)
I've actually been writing this post over several months, and requiring it for class only gives me the push to actually finish.
It's so strange and beautiful to me how little, inconsequential things in one's life can build up to giant things; how little actions you took as a child transformed you into the person you are today and prepared you for opportunities and challenges that you could have never dreamed up. For everything that I am passionate about, there was great influence to culture those passions from my childhood--specific, perfectly timed things that are only labeled after looking back.
For photography, I never considered it a possibility for someone to have a job taking photos until I was a junior in high school (about halfway through my first 365 project). I never imagined that the photographic medium would mean so much to me in my "adult" years, and yet I can see so many things leading up to this moment. I can remember spending summers in my grandparents' town when I was in kindergarten and first grade. We would go to the local walmart so I could purchase disposable cameras, and then I would consequently go home with literally hundreds of photos of the alley cats that I sought out. Hundreds. And of course there were the typical junior high dressing room photos and camp photos, and I loved making ridiculous videos with my friends and siblings. It wasn't until January 1st, 2010, that I thought, "I think I'm going to start a 365 project!". It was that insane, impulse decision that changed my life and sparked a passion that I'm seeking to exploit forever. Who knew that the crazy cat photographer would end up being a real photographer? It was because of other photographers who I met in real life after following online for years, the magazine publications, the clients who trusted me to take photos of important events in their lives, and the biggest Triple "S" Award that showed me that maybe I could actually do this. And in this day where everyone is a "photographer", encouragement is absolutely necessary. Photography is for the special few; it is a unique and beautiful opportunity, but it also is a great responsibility to bring along the people who can't be there in person. I want to have that responsibility.
For writing, its always been in my genes. My mother is a freelance writer (and on a separate thought, I recently learned that photography is in my genes as well--my late grandfather was a film photographer), and my little sister is also a writer. It's in our family and was a profession I always dreamed of doing. I've told this story before here, of when I wrote my first "story", but the answer to our assignment is this: I've always wanted to be a writer, and no matter how much I run away from it, it is in my blood. There was the typical elementary school writing assignment, and my teacher was so impressed that she had me read it in front of the class (that is the story I am still dreaming of to this day), then there was a different teacher in seventh grade who encouraged me to submit poetry (and then a short story) to an anthology book, then magazine publications, scholarships for writers conferences and specifically Caleb Breakey, who was one of my mentors and greatly influenced how I write, and the list continues ... Everything is a stepping stone, building up to this moment in life. Everything I've ever done builds up to the moment that I am living in now, and then that moment becomes a stepping stone for the next moment. It goes on and on until my life is complete.
Even with things like graphic design, blogging, and social media that I'm interested in today were stemmed from designing birthday invitations on Microsoft Publisher and creating Neopets layouts with HTML (ten year old Lauren was really popular, let me tell you), and keeping random diaries. Everything I've grown up doing has just been cultivated and honed into what I currently want to do--and what I hope to do in the future.
Recently I had to "defend" my two majors of English and Art in order to get financial aid (it was accepted, just for the record), and every day it seems, there is just one more thing that makes me realize that these two things of Writing and Photography are the two things I'm meant to be doing in life. From teachers and editors and colleagues and publishers and photographers and artists encouraging me, especially in times when I've doubted myself (and trust me, that happens nearly every day), I am reminded that everything in life happens for a reason, and my experiences and struggles and crazy hobbies all have a purpose.
I am so thankful that these things I am interested in are intricately connected. I need writing to portray my photo concepts, discuss methods and give tutorials, let people know about what I'm photographing, email clients, etc.. I need photography to help visualize writing concepts, for cover design, for description. I need blogging for both, to market myself, to show my work, and social media also helps in this way as well.
Okay, well I want to keep talking about this subject of growing passions from childhood, but I'm done talking about myself. I really and truly want to hear about the little things that brought you to this moment in life right now. From you bloggers and fashion people, to the scientists and writers, and everyone in between, let's continue this conversation! I know we've talked about passions before, but now I want to get into everyone's beginnings. Since we are all human and have a story to share--and deserve to have it be shared--let this be the place where it's shared. I would love to hear your thoughts!
with iphone photos
This morning found me waking up in a groggy haze, as I usually do when the buzz of my alarm goes off. Snow was falling as it usually does, and a cat was purring at my feet as he usually does. Only this morning I pulled a suitcase behind me, wore a new hat on my head, and kissed the head of every furry creature and loving human in my house. It always feels weird coming back home, like everything starts up again right where I left off. Who knows if hopping off the plane in Oregon will feel the same way, even though I've done this many times before. I'm always nervous-excited about what the future holds, even the immediate future. Especially the immediate future, when I know that one action will lead to the next one, then the next one, and before I know it my entire life will have passed by.
This upcoming semester I'm taking more classes for my majors, Intermediate Ceramics and Intermediate Photography, Studies in Writing and Writing Fiction, and then a Psalms class and Philosophy of the Arts. I'm also meeting with professors to hopefully audit (or do an independent study of) a Portfolio Development class, which I really hope I'll be able to do. I am always so excited to go back to college, but there is a part of me that will miss the mountains, the fresh salmon, and the ever changing northern lights. So many kids can't wait to get out of Alaska, myself included, but once you get out, there's always something that draws you back, and you begin to wonder why you ever wanted to leave in the first place.
This has been a good break though. I felt comfortable with being alone, kept myself busy at home, and was excited and engaging when I hung out with people. It's been a time to simply relax and renew, to take a deep breath before plunging into another semester and another year. Though I say it all the time, I am very excited to see what this year holds, and where my photography will take me.
For now it is taking me back to my beautiful state of Oregon, with its rolling hills and tall trees and perfect, perfect beaches. I am a hopeless romantic with everything in life, locations probably most of all. I am in love with every tree and mountain and vineyard we drive past, and being reunited with it all is one of the best feelings ever. Stepping onto the airplane in Alaska is sad, because I am leaving part of myself behind. Being in the air is pure bliss, because I find part of myself within the clouds and the unsheltered sunlight. Stepping off of the airplane and taking those first steps in Oregon is like falling in love, because part of myself is there as well, among those pine needles and ocean waves.
Honestly, I fall in love wherever I go. And though I am sad to leave my family and friends and state, I am very happy to be back in Oregon.
+ motivation quotes
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Hello 2014, I do hope you are filled with some unbelievable things. I have big plans for you, and though I'm sure there will undoubtedly be a few pit stops and roadblocks, I have a feeling you and I are going to see many beautiful landscapes. So let's get to it, shall we? Here's what I'm hoping we will be able to do, though I am not against going above and beyond. In fact, I encourage it.
1. Build my portfolio
- this will be the year to hone in my craft and build up a killer portfolio. Next year will be the marketing year.
2. Get down to business with keywording stock photos.
3. Get into more freelance graphic design projects.
4. All A's in school.
-this one seems like elementary school Lauren all over again, but it's a measurable way of me wanting to just focus even more on school this upcoming semester. I was very focused last semester, but I know there's room for even more improvement.
5. Draw more.
6. Write something. Anything.
I have a love/hate relationship with the new year, because (and I apologize for how this will sound) I feel as though no other person in the world takes it as seriously as me. Self improvement is so hugely important to me, as is the idea of time. I'm constantly fascinated with how time works, and New Year's is probably the most emotional holiday for me as it symbolizes the passing of time and the chance of becoming a better person. And yet I am just like every person because in a few months we'll stop doing our workouts, stop working hard in school, etc., etc., etc.. And then we'll say, "____ is the year that's going to change!" Enter into a neverending cycle. So who knows if 2014 will be another race around the track. I hope not. I'm not planning on it.
2013 was sort of a break for me, a break to focus on myself as a person, to do a lot of introspection, to figure out what I want to do with my life. And while I am only (almost) twenty, and I know plans change and I will change, I've always known generally what I want to do with my life. Each year builds upon itself in that my generalizations become more specific. Now I know I want to be a photographer. Not just, "Oh I'm gonna be a photographer!" But I really want to focus on the art of it. I want to create art. I'm going to create art. And not just that, but I am going to create art that forces peoples' attention. Because as humans we all have something to say, to help others, to help ourselves, and I need to say a couple of things. (But I should also say that I am still in love with client work and have no intention of not doing it in the future.) 2013 was the blueprint stage. 2014 will be the creating stage. 2015 will be the marketing stage.
(2013 was not a particularly exciting year by way of tangible accomplishments. My two biggest accomplishments were being published in Clubhouse Jr. Magazine and receiving the Triple "S" Award, the latter contributing to the "blueprint stage", in that I finally figured out at least the general direction I wanted my photography to go.)
Truly talented people, those iconic sort of people, were the ones who were so obsessed with their craft that they refused to give time to hardly anything else. I think it's been too long of a stretch of me dabbling in a lot of things. Being a "fashion" blogger and being a general lazy person being the two biggest factors.
I have this fear that what I decide to focus my energies on will end up being the wrong thing. My two loves in life are photography and writing, and for the past several years I have focused on the former. And it's terrifying to pursue just one because what if the other was what I was supposed to pursue? Part of me listens to the advice that being a jack of all trades truly does mean being a master of none, but then part of me thinks, who decided that that had to be the case? Why can't I do all the things I'm passionate about? Surely I have these passions for a reason--not to place one at a higher importance than the other, but to exploit every drop of desire I have to pursue them with everything I've got.
This whole "outfit blogging" thing has stretched me thin. I recall one day over lunch, saying to my boyfriend that I didn't want to blog anymore. That idea had been looming in my mind for quite some time, and I was scared to say it out loud because I knew how much I enjoyed it at one point, I knew how much it helped me gain confidence (and a backbone) for myself, and I knew how much I adored (and still adore) the community of it all. It seems as though everyone is a blogger these days, and in doing my own research, it seems a complete luck of the draw that a blogger becomes "successful". I've decided that I'll never be one of those successful fashion blogger types, and that's a perfectly fine thing. It isn't a huge passion of mine, and I'm fine to let it go. However, documentation and community are important to me, so for that reason (along with the whole, I have to market myself and my work and social media and all those lovely spider webs) I'm certainly not going to quit. Just no more silly outfit posts. Unless I'm feeling especially creative with my outfit. I am not going to limit myself by saying I won't do something ever again. I sort of alluded to this change a couple months ago with a blog redesign, and perhaps you've noticed it with the slowing of outfit posts.
Personal style blogging is a wonderful thing and it helped me discover a lot about myself, and now that I've discovered it, there's no need to stay in a place that's now vacant. Take it like a cave explorer. I've found the diamonds, and now there's no use hanging around in an empty cave. It's time to find some more diamonds. One of my favorite blogs, the tone which I hope to emulate in my own blog--in the raw love for life and family--is The Road is Home. It is such a lovely story written by a beautiful woman who I only know through the small glimpses she shares to the world. I don't think I could ever write quite like her, nor do I want to--simply because that would not be fair to her nor would it be genuine to myself--but I just feel the need to tell you about her blog as it is beautiful and everyone needs more beautiful things in their life. I'm sorry this post is so haphazard, but I have been writing it over the course of several days, over the course of several different emotions and states of being (I've been sick so some paragraphs were written while I had drugs in me and while I felt too gross to do anything else), and perhaps this is also just part of my resolution to write something, anything, but I just feel like my fingers have to keep moving, moving, moving, and I haven't written anything in a state-of-consciousness sort of way for a long time and I fear that if I stop now it will never start up again.
That reminds me of the notorious writer's block, a vicious lie that lazy people like to throw about and those less lazy tend to believe. It was several years ago that someone told me that this was just an excuse, and while a lot of the time I haven't been able to overcome it, I do tend to believe it. Similarly to what I said in last year's resolution post, I've been reading a lot about things, the chief being about generating ideas, and while the term "writer's block" doesn't occur in this article, that's exactly what it's talking about. Instead of calling it writer's block, I would like to label it as life block, and let 2014 be the year I overcome it. I want to be more creative and proactive, more self-motivated and self-fulfilled. I want to seek happiness within myself and within creation and within those I love (though I am well aware that those I love will disappoint me), and not within people on a computer screen, be it those who pay attention to me or don't know that I exist or who are better along than me.
I want to overcome this literal writer's block, this photographic writer's block, this self-motivation writer's block, this general need to be accepted and successful by a certain age writer's block. Because seriously, why should I care about how much more successful people my age are than me? They aren't me and they don't know my life. I don't know theirs and in the big scheme of life, the only thing that will matter is how I impacted the world, not how much I worried about impacting it more or less than someone else. It's taking me too long to actively think this way, and I hope to overcome that writer's block as well.
Life is just a strange thing, and even though millions and billions of people have survived it before me, no one still knows what they're doing and no one has experienced life quite like me. We all have our own story to tell. I guess I just want to spend 2014 telling my side of the story, and hoping that it will help someone else tell theirs.
